It's 1 a.m.
Time for me to write something meaningless.
And actually, here comes what I do every day. It's like a habit to me. And it really helps sometimes.
I just wanna thank you. Thank you Anni and Mirjam. Thank you for being in my life. You're awesome. I love you. I just don't know enough good words for you.
I wanna thank everybody, who cares. I love you. I really do. I wanna thank my mother because she has to live with someone like ME. I don't know how she survived. I wanna thank my father, because he is the best daddy in the world. I wanna thank my brother and my sister, because without them my life wouldn't be that 'noisy'. I wanna thank my classmates. The old ones, because they were the ones who showed me what it really means to be loved by your class. And the new ones, because they showed me that you can NEVER judge people by your first impression. I hated them. I hated them so much. Because they made me cry. I was nobody back there. And now. I just can't even imagine life without these beautiful people. I love them so much. They make me happy, and I should be very thankful.
EVERYTHING I have. I should be thankful. I have food, I have home, I have friends, I have pets, I have everything. I need to be happy.
And what am I doing? Just complaining about random things.
Like I already said. Most of the time I'm making my own life complicated. That's what humans do.
And complaining about everything we DON'T have, and not being happy for what we HAVE is that kind of thing too. That's just what humans do. We are jerks.
You know that saying, that when you wan't to see the world change you have to change yourself first?
Well, that's what I'm doing now. I'm being sincerely thankful for everything I have. And I'm really trying to be happy, even if I don't have many things what I want, even if some times it feel's like I've got nothing left in this world, even if I've shoulnd't be here because I'm not good for anything, even if nobody needs me, even if it seems that I have that much bullshit on my shoulders that I'm going to collapse.
I don't give up. And I don't know why. I just don't give up. I'm tired of giving up. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm tired of complaining. I'm tired of everything being so difficult. I'm just tired.
And I'm going to sleep.

I really miss you. I REALLY MISS YOU GUYS.

Random moaning

Today I feel the need to just blabber about pointless stuff. (Because pointless is my middle name, yeaaah!) No, but I really have nothing important to say. Just stuff I've thought and felt the last week or so. Also, I haven't posted something on here in a while that's just a big long wall of text. :)



I was torn between watching Sherlock BBC and Harry Potter (Half-Blood Prince) on TV today. I've never seen the sixth HP movie. I've seen Sherlock Holmes BBC at least 3 times now. In the end Sherlock won. I feel bad that I didn't get to see the HP movie, because well... I haven't seen it yet. Not too bad, though, because seeing Irene Adler, Sherlock and John Watson in a love triangle on screen just made me so giddy. Those feels man! I mean like; damn!

I was watching Hercule Poirot a few days ago. It's a bit nostalgic. But at the same time, it felt awesome. Poirot is not that nauseatingly addicting like Sherlock BBC, but it has it's own classy and jazzy sort of feel that just pushes my buttons in all the right ways. But I had to be a fucking retard those few days ago and went on the internet after I finished Poirot. I am not sure if I want to actually start drinking to forget what I found that night, or to go and find some more of those.... things...

I am a fucked up individual and I am sorry for existing in your lives.

But I digress; I was also playing Phoenix Wright (Trials and Tribulations) today. Nostalgia-slap go! I mean, I think I found out about that game in 2009, I think. And my Lord did it bring back memories! It's a seriously nice game - recommended. If you like detective stories, then it's a nice play. A bit surreal at times, but nice nonetheless.

Homestuck brings forth all the feels in me, man. It's heavy on the eyes what with the walls and walls of text, but reading the important bits and pieces helps. And then I just skip pages and pages and just stare at the pictures and sometimes read only one or two words in a conversation. But this comic - it's a goddamn miracle is what it is. It's so... humane in some ways. Kind of reminds me of Sherlock in a way as that series has a tendency of being so fucking humane that it's almost inhumane.



I have a hard time understanding other people. It's fucking confusing is what it is. I uhh... I don't do feelings that well, but I don't mean to upset anyone. So if I do, know that I don't actually mean to.

I sometimes just opt to watch other people fuck about. It's easier than getting involved in their shit. But sometimes they involve you anyway. Or you involve yourself - whichever comes first. And I hate it. I hate the feeling of helplessness when I eventually get up to date on their shit. I hate that I cannot help everyone. I know it's impossible, but it's so fucking...

I hate being helpless. I could make a sexual joke right here about this, but it would not be appropriate. Do you guys see the shit my mind comes up with on a daily basis? That's not even the worst of me. I DO NOT understand the limits set by humans that makes us humble and nice and stuff. If this conversation were to be taken place in real life with us face-to-face, then that sexual joke would be out on the table already. And it isn't actually really that sexual - it's just an observation. But people could, and would, get offended by such 'vulgarity'.

And sometimes I need time. Which I don't have most of the time. People are so fast - they talk and think fast. I'm slow - I need time to think your last sentence through to give an adequate response. They, however, take silence as another form of response. But I really, really don't mean anything that you think I am actually thinking. What I think and what you think I think may be incredibly different - don't put words in my mouth before I get the chance to explain myself or my actions. Don't jump to conclusions before I've said actual facts.

Humans are also weird to comprehend on some level, because of the things they do. They hide petty little things that soon grow into huge troubles. They act really emotionally to things I find could be solved very logically and rationally.

My doctor said humans should listen to their heart when they're thinking of the future. (We were talking about my future career and college plans, but she meant that generally. Everything pretty much applies to it) I feel that she is wrong. Nothing good comes from just listening to your heart all the time. I'm sorry, but I've seen all the shit people go through when they listen to their hearts. It brings joy sometimes, but I feel on most cases you just have to look at things from another angle. I saw what happened to people in those soap-operas when I was a kid (what? Those shitty daytime soap operas aren't going to watch themselves!). They almost ALWAYS listened to their hearts. But the heart LIES to us! It fucking does, I'm sorry to say this. Want an example?

People who get married or conceive kids in two years or less after meeting will have more family trouble than people who wait longer. That is because when we're in love, our 'heart' is blind to the partner's flaws. TWO FUCKING YEARS WE ARE JUST BLIND TO EACH OTHER'S FAULTS! So people who get married in that time period have more trouble because when two years finally pass, you will start to see those little small details that now make you sick and disgusted. The heart doesn't know any better than you do in these situations. THIS IS A SCIENTIFIC FACT, PEOPLE!

So that's why I feel facts and science helps more with life than the 'heart' does. (Even though our heart isn't the place where we 'get' our feelings. We have emotions because of our brain. But that's another story.)

Sometimes I just cannot talk to people. Not because I'm mad or sad, but because I have NOTHING to say. It's easier on the internet, because I can think my sentences through and think of things to babble about. I don't have that time IRL and must immediately act to a set of words or actions. That's why I sometimes say stupid things - because I DON'T have the time to think things through.

Ah, but I went on a tangent. What I wanted to talk about was that I sometimes just don't talk at certain days or at certain points. If you state a fact then I, most of the time, don't have anything to say about that. If you say that you got a ladle for your christmas present, then I will just say "okay"... Because I DO NOT know how to respond to that. If I knew whether you hated or loved that present, then it'd be easier for me to respond. But if you just state the fact that you got a ladle for a present (especially online), then I will be at loss as to what to say. Some people would state their opinion about the present you got. I have no real opinion so I can't do that. Actually, I do have an opinion, but it's usually very convoluted and I feel doesn't need to be thought through if I'm never going to address it.

Which brings me to my next point: I rather people don't use too many words. If the sentences are easy and precise, then it's easier to follow. People might think that's a sign of stupidity. I say; why make things more complicated than they are, just state the facts to get your point across. At the same time, though, you 'sometimes' need to use more words in your sentences. Like when a person asks for a clarification. Then you need to change your wording a bit.

Unlike me, as I tend to repeat what I said when asked for a clarification. I didn't notice it until Choppa pointed it out one day though. I have a hard time changing the wording of my sentences, especially IRL. Ask for a clarification online instead. You'll get WALLS of texts as a response. But at least you might understand some things.

I am a selfish person. I have a habit of making people closest to me guess riddles about myself. I also talk about myself a lot (case in point - every single one of my post. In some way or another). I try to help people a bit too much, which could be chalked up to me being incredibly manipulative. It's all in the books.

Could I ever be around a person like myself for long periods of time? I don't know. I seriously don't know.

Songs and Random Thoughts

Do you know the feeling after a very long and haooy and exiting day? When you walk home alone and the streets are empty and it is snowing and everything is nice and quiet. You feel happy and sad, alone and content, and so very tired.

I recently found a song that matches this mood perfectly. Its called "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry. I heard it once and immediately took a great liking to it. If you have time, listen to it. You will probably not like it as much as i do, but then again, maybe you will.

I love Christmas!

I love the calm and the amazing amount of dancing on school parties, the candles that  smell and the huge amount of tangerines that i consume. I love Christmas songs, my very favorite one might perhaps be "Amazing Grace".
 
Today i woke up and my first thought was, "Oh no, school!" And then i remembered thet the holiday has started. Amazing, isn't it, how fast time goes? It seems like only yesterday we were parting because summer had ended. Soon there will be a new summer. And then another one.

Did you know, that I would really like to be able to change into some kind of an animal? Maybe into a wolf or an eagle. I am always dreaming about freedom, but actually i don't really need it all that much. I just want to have fun and try all the things worth trying(going to university, jumping with a parachute, do snowangels and climb trees). There is no greater adventure than life and there are no greater obstacles than the ones you greate for yourself.

I also like the song "Barking At The Moon" byJenny Lewis. It is a soundtrack from a movie called "Bolt". I love the words.

A new year is about to start and i would be so grateful if it would be even half as good as the one that is ending.

I miss so much you, my friends.
Hope to see you soon (or at least hear from you).
Bye!

See you... Whenever.

So, I'm going away for a week or so. You will not be able to contact me in any way, so yeah. Be safe! ~<3

Haven't been posting for a while. And I'm sorry if my English is bad. It's 2.30 in the morning and I just finished watching 'Grave Encounters'. And it seems like I'm not gonna sleep for a very long time. This was creepy as hell! Like srsly. I just screamed and jumped all the time. I dropped my laptop, because I felt like this demon is going to get me. In fact, most of the time my hands covered my eyes. Just crazy.
Okay, now it's time for me to write something about my life at the moment.
And I'm actually happy. Even though I'm not the smartest person alive (Like You Mirjam) , but my grades are not very bad too. I can deal with it. I hope.
Actually. I'm just happy. I don't really have a reason. It's Christmas time. Everything seems so much better. And remember this post what you write Anni? About being anxious all the time? - This is what I feel. I feel like I'm alive, but I have those butterflies in my stomach, I feel like something's gonna happen very soon, even though it's nothing happening to me at all. Maybe the world really ends.
Yup, I feel like something big is coming. Maybe the Mayas were right.Anyway, I'm gonna throw up any minute. I feel like I'm high or something. And like you already see, I can't sleep.
I hope you two have an amazing Christmas.
I miss you so freaking much.

k.

My Unusually Extraordinary Week

I have some good news. Nothing important, just some things that have made my week.
I had a level test (tasemetöö) in maths on monday. On wednesday I found out my results. I got a 5 pluss and 40 points out of 40! That made my results the best in our year (girls and boys both)! That is kind of amazing. I mean, I knew I understood all I had learned, but this?

I also went skating with Brook today. We had a lot of fun and she only fell once. We saw a guy there who looked just like Sirius Black, when he went to school. He even had a Gryffindor scarf with yellow and red stripes. And when we skated past him we heard him say "Expecto patronum"! I could have cried out of happiness!

The semester will be over in two weeks, and even though i am so tired all the time, i know i have just so little time left to wait.

I have fallen down only once this week, even though everything is snowy and slippery. That is a small victory for me :D

I have decorated my appartemend with my mother and we are now ready for Christmas to come. I just can't wait!!!

Anyways, I hope to hear from ya both soon.
Sorry I haven't called, but I have been too tired and buisy.
I hope to see you soon.
Miss you!
Bye!

Phone is dead

Can't call you guys. You have to call me yourself, if you want to hear my sexy voice.
I'm on skype most of the time too, though :)

GIF post: Helping helps

If at any time you feel like you...

and that nobody wants to be your friend 

then remember that helping helps.

You have no idea how good it feels to help someone. It gives you energy, power and a warm feelings. I find it's so good to help someone else, which means I've been absolutely ecstatic for the past few days.

Give someone a hug today

Or just give someone your love

 
 It helps. Because even if you can't help yourself, at least you can help someone else!

But then, who do I help, you may ask. Well, there are plenty of people who want help. Me? I go to forums and cheer depressed people up. Because it makes me feel good if I manage to cheer at least one person up.

In real life I'm like

But online I'm like

So if people have evil people in their life

I listen to them and try to take away at least one bucket of their shitty life

So anyway, I hope this helped at least in some way. I miss each and every one of you!

 

Still Alive

Anni asked me to let you know that i am still alive, which i obviously am. In fact, i am doing very well. I haven't got any big news though, that's why you haven't heard from me. Now i am just wating for Christmas.

If you have got any news call me.
I miss ya :D
Bye!